Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
This headline is a thing of beauty
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you