I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached