My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one