put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard