this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.