8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
he chose this
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers