Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
wut hotdog?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.