Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
#parenting
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??