My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there