Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
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[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?