I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
TWEET CALL
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
this is the greatest thing ever
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game