All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
You Might Also Like
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
This raises questions
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.