*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I see your IQ test came back negative
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.