Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
You Might Also Like
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
There is no try. There is only give up.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt