“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…