that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Close call…
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Best table by far
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Our lord and savoury.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now