So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise