Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
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Twitter is an abusement park.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I would like even faster food.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
What a kind woman! 😂😂
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
girls literally only want one thing..