Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
you gotta be faster
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)