If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.