There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
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Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.