that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Who’s ready for Friday?!
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.