Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
at ease…shoulder.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Room with a view.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy