When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
The devil.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor