The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
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My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way