Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Smells like a challenge to me
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.