She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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This fish is cracking me up
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.