Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Alexa: *deep breath*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.