DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.