Your secret is safeish with me
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.