Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
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Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people