[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
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So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men