95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.