INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Breaking news:
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two