It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
can’t talk my ride’s here
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]