Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.