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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone