Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The game has officially changed 😎
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed