5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
🙁
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Real House Wines.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
#SuperBowl
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting