Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
me: my friends:
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid