[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
A sick whale is called an unwhale
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro