Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……