Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.