Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me recordaron éste meme
My god she’s good.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again