“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Based Erika
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.