(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.