When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
No chill.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.