Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
You Might Also Like
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Grandmother clock.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
constantly working on myself.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
That’s incredible! 👌
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though