Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.