**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!